Therapy: my therapist started crying when I told her that I was comfortable expressing my anger to Tommy. It was like I had won an Olympic Medal! I take for granted how big that is. She helped me appreciate that. And that I can hold both parts of him- the wise sage man and the puerile young boy; Fledge. He acts out my shadow, for me? At times. Maybe. The tiger is out in the jungle, making sporadic appearances. Such a trigger and such a sounding board. He does not wince from my assaults, which are not violent or scary, but passionate and real. I am not mincing words but without a doubt standing up for myself and what is important to me; my boundaries. Maybe I do love myself? Maybe…
Intuitive Life Coaching: Juna said my little girl was showing up- for the first time ever! She feels safer now than she ever has. She is wary of Tommy. Needs more information. But knows he has some really great qualities. She does not want me to drink or smoke pot around him, makes it harder for us to read him clearly. I get that. I want to honor that for her. Tommy is a little lost and gets depressed when not being creative but is not driven to create- lacks self-confidence- so he smokes a ton of pot to stay in that light hearted world. I understand it. Can I love him anyway? Regardless? Unconditionally?
Tommy: I drove up there Wednesday night after yoga and met his son. His son was a great kid and it was really nice seeing him be a father. He looked handsome and it was all very sexy to me. Even though he smelled and tasted like cigarettes. We had sex all night long but I was not that into it- or not as much as usual. At least my head wasn’t – but my body was. And my body always is with him. It’s crazy. I was so wet. We had some highlights and some lowlights. Highlights were spinning around on top of him and making him come that way. He telling me over and over again how beautiful I am, how much he loves my vagina, my body, and me. He said twice we should get married. That I was his woman. My mind rejected all of it. He said he thought we had a real shot at this and immediately, in my head, I laughed and thought, yeah, hell no. It was really strange. I wanted him to leave me alone so I could sleep but he would start touching me and it’s hard to say no when my body is saying yes irrefutably. I wonder what that disconnect is. I wonder about all of it.
Now today: Obsessing. Can’t get him out of my mind and head. Spun. Whipped. Wanting to live with him in Ojai. Find a house. Decorate it. Live in it. A family. With family dinners and schedules and picking up kids and dropping them off and yoga and work and the farm.
And it feels like an impossible dream.
He can’t leave up North and I don’t see how I can leave down South. At least not at this time.
Feels futile to even dream like that.
But maybe dreaming is the only way to create?
A hat trick for sure.
AND it’s only been two months, technically only 7 weeks. Let’s give it three months and see what happened by end of September. Then the 6 month mark is where the shit gets real. And if we make it through those two milestones, we can seriously start thinking about living together starting next Summer.
I think that is a fairly reasonable plan.
There is no one. I am the one.
He is a man. That I am in a relationship with. He may be the last, he may not.
Only time will tell and so much more will be revealed. The pretenses are starting to fall away. And as soon as I feel comfortable enough to fart in front of him, my body will know the score.