I SAW HIM AGAIN

Tommy kept calling. And calling. And calling. And leaving messages. Apologizing.

I finally answered. I told him I would mail him his stuff and could he please give me his address. He said he was driving down that night and to leave it on my doorstep if I was not there. I called my ex and told him what happened. He told me to stay at his place. That this guy was obviously unsafe. I told him I would.

And then I did something I am still trying to understand.

I knew Tommy would be arriving around 2:30pm. So I waited for him. Against my better judgment. Against everything I knew to be true and life-sustaining. I felt compelled by something stronger than me. By a need that went beyond this moment and way back. To a childhood of feeling unwanted.

I knew he wanted me. And that was like heroin.

He walked through my front gate, I took him by the hand and silently led him to my bedroom.

I was in a trance.

Afterward, he told me he had a bag of mushrooms on him.

I paused.

Neurons firing. Synapses working. A decision was made with no logic whatsoever.

Let’s do it.

I could feel the rush of adrenaline course through my veins, pulsing throughout my body. Tingling. Cold. Hot. Excitement. ANYTHING could happen now. Fuck it.

I methodically ate a shitload of shrooms. He ate them too. Then we waited.

We decided to go on a “nature walk” through my neighborhood. It lasted three hours. I was flying, so, incredibly high. I saw the interconnectedness of everything. The great geometric jewel toned patterns crisscrossing through the sky. And Tommy was on a different plane. Of existence. All together. He was annoying. And mansplaining. And I wanted to punch him in the dick. I cried for most of it. The total disconnection was so obvious that I could not hide from it. I was seeing everything I needed to see. Especially how and why I wanted him to be someone else. That the story of our past, our childhood, was keeping me tethered to his insanity. He reminded me of my step-father and brother, verbally abusive and vicious, and a part of me felt comfortable with that. But I wanted out.

And I felt completely powerless to do anything about it.

When we returned to my house, he said he was a hero who went from a zero and he deserved applause. My stomach was in knots. I had the worse gas I have ever had. I was doubled over in pain. If that isn’t the body telling me something then I don’t know what is. We tried talking about his awful text to me and his own childhood abuse surfaced. I felt compassion. But then again, I was flying on hallucinogenics.  I could have felt compassion for a wooden chair.

He spent the night.

The next morning I canceled my morning walk with Fred, my spiritual guide. And Fred knew, without me saying anything, what was going on. He said someone is in your space. You need this walk now more than ever.

I heard that.

I told Tommy to leave and I met Fred up the hill. What he had to say was not good. Fred, who has never met Tommy told ME that Tommy was arrogant and mean. He said he is all over me, psychically, and in my head and first and third chakras. Fred cleared him out and instructed me to stay in the space in the middle of my head, so I could be rational and not so emotional about this. So I could see the truth. He said I could waste years on this guy who would eventually reject me because I am not the woman he wants me to be. I know that story. Oh too well. It’s the same story with every man I have ever dated from my past. Interesting. Fred also said that Tommy was capable of physical violence towards me and did I know that. I had to admit, I had a feeling. Admitting that out loud was a scary thing to do. For sure.

I went home and sat in my house and cried.

Because I knew this was not the end, but I so desperately wanted it to be.

 

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