I AM NOT MYSELF

I went for a walk with a friend and he suggested therapy for Tommy. The quickness with which I gravitated to this suggestion, suggests to me, that I am in the throes of a complete and utter sex and love addiction run and will take any chance I get to see it through to the very bitter and ugly end. Because honestly, these things never end any other way. And I know that. I KNOW. I know this guy is a psychopath and complete moron and I CAN’T SEEM TO STOP MYSELF FROM RESPONDING TO HIM. Maybe some of it has to do with feeling so utterly and completely rejected by my ex-husband that the tenacity of this guy is a high in and of itself. I definitely feel wanted. Even if it is by a sociopath.

Tommy said he would go back to therapy.

~”

It is the 16th, the Harvest Moon lunar eclipse and I am no longer Tommy’s girlfriend. Although we just hung up and we are still texting no-stop, something died in me yesterday concerning him. And it was all based on a text. And it wasn’t even the worst text he ever sent. It was just the last one I ever want to read to me like that. So he went to his “therapy” with his friend Jodi, who isn’t a therapist at all but a friend and “energy healer” Before he went he was telling me how fucked up I was and needed to “wake-up”  because I sent him an article about how Nature Affects The Brain from National Geographic. Then after his “therapy”, he sends me this:

I couldn’t see it before. Now I do.

Please forgive me

I’m sorry

I love you

Thank you

Il felt nothing. We spoke on the phone, I was curious to hear about his experience. He saw some deep truths about himself, he said. I was glad to know. Still, numb as fuck. He texted me throughout the day. Then I spoke to him tonight. Now he is texting me. I asked for Space and Time. I need to be more clear. I need it. I want it. I can not keep in contact with him at this time. I need at least 7 days. Then we can see where we are with the chemicals- what is true and not true.

I say 30 days. Why not.

If he can’t abide by that, then what use is there.

I can feel my chemicals waning. He is feeling very needy right now and it is not sexy at all. I am not even getting turned on by thinking about having sex with him. That valve feels on off.

No flow there.

It feels nice. Calm. No more crying. Wondering. Waiting. Just letting go. Quietly, Simply. Softly.

I let him go under the Harvest Moon.

I am ready for a new experience. At least, I think so.

Today I ask myself- what is kindness? What does it look like? Feel like? Gentleness. Love.

How have I been unkind and harsh with myself and others?

There was not a lot of warmth or affection or gentleness in my family. It was harsh, brutal, and unsafe for me.

I have not experienced a lot of kindness in my relationships. I have also been very unkind in them as well.

But mostly, I am unkind to myself. Not gentle. Warm. Or Loving.

I have allowed myself to be beaten and bloody and bruised. By my own words and the words of others. Passing it off as, normal, and par for the course.

I am thinking about attending a meeting of SLAA. (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous)

Two of my girlfriends go and say it has helped them A LOT. They think I should go. They look at me like they know me and they know and I know. We all know. I am fucked right now.

I am not myself.

One thought on “I AM NOT MYSELF

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