Had a dream about Tommy fucking Mila Kunis in front of me and me raging at him. Woke up clutching my heart and sobbing.
I went to my first SLAA meeting the other night. My friend took me. She swears by it. They are quite intense there. Intense and rigid. Lots of rules. Like NO CONTACT. They talked about withdrawals. Have lots of tips and tricks for handling this. I hope to God they work. I am pretty desperate. It’s never been this bad before. I’ve never been with someone this toxic and fucked up before and NOT been able to fully walk away. This is some scary shit.
DAY 1 of NO CONTACT for 7 days
I need my head to be screwed back on my body instead of my brains being screwed out of my head.
It was an easy day at first. He texted a few times. One text was of the house he was renting in Santa Barbara – or wanting to rent. Then saying this was hard for him. I did not respond to anything. That was not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I enjoyed the lack of contact. Went to yoga. Felt liberated afterward. House to myself. Got tons of work done. Meditated even. Then the pain started to creep up on me. I found myself scrolling through every single one of his facebook posts, asking myself, who is this guy? Really. I even facebook stalked his ex-wife. That was disappointing. She is a trip. Their son looks like her.
Now I am sitting here about to watch a movie and I feel this welling up in my chest. Am I missing him? Something. Something. Something. This way comes.
I hope he doesn’t reach out. I don’t know how strong I am right now.
They (SLAA) told me to block him. And I could not. I physically COULD NOT DO IT.
???? I feel like it’s 2004 again and I can’t put down the booze. My friends are scratching their heads, worried and confused by me. Except for this time, it is not alcohol bringing me to my knees, it is a relationship. I’ve really done it now.
The withdrawals are beginning to set in. I am thinking of how good it feels to be with him physically. When he is warm and loving, wrapping his arms around me.
Why can’t he always be like that?
They (SLAA) said to make a list of all the shitty things he has said or done so I can reference it when I feel weak.
So here it is:
- It began with him calling me names; dumbass, dumbshit, loser, idiot, slut, and tease. (I told him not to, he stopped everything but dumbass)
- He told me I was codependent for wanting to bring him soup when he was sick
- He said I used sex to manipulate because I told him I fantasized about him sexually that afternoon
- When we were in Ojai at the spa, we were sitting close to each other on a lounge chair after our massages and he spit water in my face.
- He was ogling a woman at the pool at Ojai and telling me about it
- He farted on me in Ojai
- He sent me a photo of the shit he took on his land
- He called me an idiot in front of his son
- His son made fun of me in Ojai
- With Pony in Ojai- he called me a shitty cook, asked Pony if I belonged in a mental institution, and then asked her if I was ever late to pick her up or forgot her at school- all in a mean sense of humor way.
- Broke me down one day telling me that I was codependent with Tim, that I gave my power away to Pony, and that I was shitty with money. That it was incongruous of me to complain about money issues and then go to Starbucks.
- Next day he told me to get a job and sent me a budget thing
- That night he told me he wanted to hate fuck me and date rape me then answered the phone rudely and hung up on me.
- The next morning he was defensive and rude on the phone.
- When I ended it he did not respect my boundary at all and drove down to my house
- He brought flowers with him when he showed up and later said if I didn’t respond well to the flowers he was going to leave.
- Later that night he said he deserved some acknowledgment for being able to go from zero to hero. (I said nothing)
- When my Mom was here he told me I was abusive for sending photos of Pony to him and an addict ????
- He called me a fucking psycho for sending him old photos of me, said I was living in the past
- Would not respect my boundary about him not seeing Pony and told me that his friends in Santa Barbara joked all the time and I just didn’t understand their sense of humor (regarding him being mean to me in front of Pony)
- Walking along Colorado Blvd. he told me he was trying to look up a girls skirt and then checking out this woman’s ass
- At the same time he was telling me how inappropriate it was for me to be friends with a person I had slept with- even once.
- The last straw for me was when I sent him an article about how Nature changes the brain he told me to wake up, to stop trying to prove things that everyone already knows, and when I was done reading articles I could interact with him. Because he was real, and the article was not.
- He also asked me to marry him many times, told me he would financially support me, and sends homes he wants to rent. Said I love you way early.
- He hates my tattoos
- He made a misogynistic joke on mushrooms
- He made me feel so small
I sent one copy to my friend in SLAA and kept one for myself. I looked at it whenever I started to miss him.
I took a bath with rose petals and put them on my throat. I meditated twice a day – I am everything and everything is me. I wrote about how he reminded me of my angry abusive step-father and inappropriate brother. I did the fucking work.
Because of that- I did not need 7 days- I called him tonight and ended it. Just like that. I felt little to nothing. He cried at one point and I almost laughed. All I had to do was remember how it felt when he told me he was looking up other women’s skirts and ogling their asses. I felt so small then. So small and insignificant. I never want to feel that way again. For as long as I live.
I feel like doing the snoopy dance.
I feel liberated.
I feel free.