Something to remember about being an INFP:
- You are a good listener
- You do your best for other people, sometimes at great personal cost
- You have a great facility with language and expression
- You value other people’s opinions, and you work hard to make sure everyone’s opinions are heard
- You are incredibly resilient in the face of adversity
- You give everyone the benefit of the doubt
- You champion unconventional ideas and attitudes and facilitate change
- You keep an open mind and an open heart; ever learning and wanting to grow
You are able to find something of value in almost every situation.
Well, that didn’t last long. Before I knew it we were speaking again. Then he came down on Wednesday, even though I told him I only wanted to see him on Saturday. I am useless with my boundaries. Wow. It’s impressive really. How flimsy they are.
Now we are apparently in a relationship again. Yet I am wary. And nervous. And trigger happy.
I am not entirely sure this is a good idea. I sound like my mother. I am repeating her life.
He keeps talking about marriage and money. Fuck me. He has so much money and he wants to support me. Dangles it like a goddamn giant gold carrot.
I am trying to not let it affect me, but it does. Oh. It does.
I’m a single Mom. OF COURSE, IT DOES.
I broke up with him AGAIN last night. The straw was that he was “triggered” by a post on facebook of mine where I shared a graphic about not forcing kids to kiss and hug people if they don’t want to. He felt like I did not support him as a man. ?????
I could not take it anymore.
He is not well. Duh.
I am holding firm.
Tonight I spent three hours at the Korean spa. I am fighting the urge to visit the hot bartender down the street. But think staying home is best right now. Tommy emailed me that he really wants to fuck me in the ass tonight and wishes I would leave my door open so he could crawl into bed with me later in the night.
I said no.
This is not love. No fucking way
We are no longer texting, or speaking, or telling each other how much it hurts to not be in contact. I am reading How to Be An Adult in Relationships and it is kicking my ass in the best possible way. This was not love. This was attachment disorder playing itself out with childhood wounds running rampant. He is a narcissist. How can he not be? White privileged entitled mother fucker.
Another person I knew from high school recently reached out. This time to get my permission to use my name in a memoir he is writing. He sent me the piece. It was about how I cried in a breakout group in high school that my brother was using drugs and how much it hurt me. I cried reading it. I seemed like I had it all together at that time. I did not. I was one of the most popular girls in school- girls looked up to me and boys loved me – and I felt invisible, terrified, neglected, and alone.
I miss Tommy’s attention. I feel sick even writing that.
There is a void where his texts once lived. Also, my ex is having his girlfriend and her daughter spend the night now- so they get to have family dinners and breakfast mornings and it hurts. It fucking hurts. I am not going to lie. I want to…
Is dark and demonic
I am scared
I say I am okay being alone
But I am really not
I’m fucking terrified
I endure a patronizing narcissist who is verbally and emotionally abusive
Rather than dive headlong into the abyss
I need to be pushed
I will not jump willingly
I have no choice
The world is burning behind me
I am left with no option
No way to turn back
Thank you, Thomas
For forcing me to face
Still trying to find the value in every situation.