I told him I didn’t know what the future held but I had to say goodbye for now. This happened on a busy street in Studio City under a weeping tree. Then we kissed. And I walked away crying.
Later that night we were texting again.
The next day I yelled at him on the phone and threw it across the room.
I had a reading with Leon- what he said blew me away- Tommy will never change. I should have known that. Plus. Remembering his face. At our final lunch. His mannerisms and affectations. Not so much. Repulsive. Really.
I told him again- I can’t do this.
Then we decided we would have exclusive sex consistently.
I am participating in an ayahuasca ceremony Friday night and then considering driving up to Santa Barbara to see his new place Saturday morning.
I am not convinced Saturday will happen.
I practiced yoga behind Highland Park, my old polyamorous lover, the other day. He came in after me. I was meditating when he joined the class. I closed my eyes in warrior two- every time I thought he might see me. Then I left class as fast as I could. I did not feel like engaging. I felt like running.
I am working for my ex-husband as his assistant. So fucking humbling.
I had my ass handed to me from the business coach I am working with. Another humbling experience. Once again I am reminded of how little I really “listen” sometimes to people when they are telling me something important.
Decided NOT to see Tommy Saturday after ayahuasca.
Feel good about that.
Have not been super strict about dieta for the ayahuasca ceremony. Just don’t feel like it. Hope it’s a gentle loving ride. Craving ceremony.
Ayahuasca last night – I drank a shitload AND I drank twice and absolutely NOTHING happened to me. I felt no altered state of any kind. Fascinating.
I did realize how silly of a ceremony it was when stone cold sober. A bunch of adults in sleeping bags on the floor writhing and puking while a white woman who calls herself a shaman bangs on a drum and her lover plays a the flute.
I felt stupid. I left as soon as the sun came up. Before anyone stirred. I snuck out.
I decided not to go to Santa Barabara. But Santa Barbara said he would come to me.
I said yes. WHY??? DO. I. DO. THIS. SHIT.
He showed up. We had sex twice and then went to lunch. As much as he annoys me, he amuses me. I felt a deep affection for him. We argued on the phone before he came down and yet, our sex was on fire. Seriously. On fucking fire.
I have no idea what I am doing.
It is a Hunter’s Super Moon and I feel so confused about Tommy.
I am hurting him. I should know this. I should do something about this. He started sending me ideas of all the places he wants to take me to around the world.
All I could do was say Wow.
He sent me unbelievable photos of the Yucatan and Tulum. He texted me about India and southeast Asia. He asked if I could get a weekend off in November so we could go to a spa together.
I started to get anxious. One day at a time. Let’s see how the next time I see him goes. I am planning on seeing him Wednesday night after I teach.
I went to bed wondering if I should just give this thing another shot – maybe it is worth it! Fuck what everyone says. That he is abusive and a narcissist! What do they know? He’s not so bad!! So he says stupid things every once in awhile…so do I?
I woke up the next morning and he began our day with a text that dripped with spiritual arrogance. I let that one slide. It wasn’t personal. He asked how I was doing- I told him my body was tired and sore from staying up all night like a rock star and that I was too old for that shit now. He told me how irresponsible I was. I told him to back off. We took mushrooms together and I don’t remember him reprimanding me about that. It took him awhile to respond, but when he did, he apologized, said his judgments were born out of his insecurities. I let that slide too. I asked him how his Master Reiki training was going- he said “intense and challenging” – I told him that was my kind of party! – he said, no, this was for healing, NOT FOR DRAMA. I let that one slide too. It’s starting to get a little slippery here.
Finally, I told him how excited I was to be going Kirtan chanting that evening with a couple of my girlfriends at our local yoga studio.
And that was when he let loose on me.
He told me how it was so sad to see me trying so hard to connect with myself when the moon was perfectly happy how it was. Huh???
And that he hoped someday I would stop and find myself- or some other bullshit like that. It was way meaner but I erased it so I am paraphrasing and I can’t even make shit up as negative as he put it.
And the camel’s back broke.
I did not respond.
He left messages apologizing for being so negative. I erased them.
I told him in the morning I could talk at 10:30am.
He said okay.
I spoke to my friend from SLAA in the morning, she gave me a script, keep it under 10 mins, she said. Set a timer.
I told him: I can only talk for ten minutes so I am going to keep it simple. I need to take 30 days of being out of contact with you to process this relationship and I need you to respect that. If you reach out, I will not respond. Not that I won’t want to. But I won’t. This relationship we have, at this moment, is not healthy and we are stuck in an addictive pattern. The only way I know how to break an addictive pattern is abstinence.
Surprisingly, he said he understood. He agreed it was a good idea. Just not for thirty days…maybe ten?
I compromised with fifteen. And immediately felt shitty about it.
But this is new! This is unfamiliar territory!!
He said he realized he had some repressed anger towards me that was coming out in completely unhealthy ways.
He felt sad for me that I was going to Kirtan chanting while he was doing reiki training.
He’s out of his fucking mind.
They all said.
And RUN I….