STAY BROKEN

I dreamed about a bear, that I was trying to date and get close to and it was so confusing and painful. It is really hard watching my ex-husband start a new family and to feel so bereft, broken, and alone. Terrified of how I am going to financially support myself. Thinking of going back to school so a school can hire me. I don’t know if I care for this freelance style life. Maybe I’ll just go into crazy debt and accept it that way.

Returning home from a writing group, we wrote about blood. I wrote about how I didn’t menstruate in the house growing up. Because my body never felt safe. I am craving physical closeness with Tommy. Desperately. Realizing one of the places we met and aligned together was how he never shamed me or rejected me sexually. He understood my ferocious need to connect in that way and mirrored it completely. I felt so held and beloved when we coupled. Coupled. What a word.

I need a job. I need to make money. I am scared. I don’t know what I am doing.

Fear.

Of not being able to support me, alone. Of being alone. Of going back to Tommy because he offers financial security yet, I think he poses a risk to my daughter’s self-esteem and I would rather go poor than put her through that.

I don’t have any answers. Just many questions. And I am so tired of trying to fix myself. I just want to stay broken.

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