BRAIN VOMIT

Spoke to my old AA sponsor today. About whether I was an alcoholic or not. If I should be sober or not. And the best thing she said was to stop thinking so much and to simply pray for God to Show Me the way. Keep it fucking simple. So I am. And did. And spent the day crying on and off. A piece I wrote about being raped was put up on facebook and for some reason- a lot of people from High School are reading it and it’s making me feel raw and vulnerable and kind of naked. AND I have reached out to Sean a lot today and although he has responded- he doesn’t feel as enthusiastic as me. And that is giving me pause and worry and concern. I am rehearsing scenarios in my head where I break up with him. I think I am trying to protect myself. Am I too needy? Argh. Most likely. But am I? Cool your jets, woman. It has only been barely a month, not even that. And I am freaking out because I was home all day with nothing to do and was in my head and self-obsessed and he was out in the world working and is with his son now and I am upset that he isn’t responding the way I want him to. Just relax. If this is meant to be, it will be. And if it isn’t, it won’t be. Tommy keeps sending me emails and texts about how fucking spiritual and evolved he is and how he gave so many people money who needed it this week and then received a 100 thousand dollar check in the mail! Oh, how the universe rewarded him for his generosity. Fucknut. I hate him right now. But what the fuck??? Breathe. Meditate. Move on. Finish story about India. Just fucking finish it already. Keep writing. Don’t be such a pussy. I’m scared about the march on Saturday. I am confused about alcoholism and AA and relationships and how to be an adult and a parent and creative and support myself and do what I love.

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