Spent the night with Sean last night. I love the sound of his name. Sean. I say it over and over in my head. I know, I am fucked.
But last night felt like a turning point. We had not seen each other in five days, and it felt like five hundred. I think part of the excruciating nature of it is that he lives so close to me, less than 3 miles, so not seeing him for that long but knowing how close he is feels somewhat torturous.
Regardless, we finally did see each other and it was out of this fucking world.
We made love immediately.
And if I was wondering if we really had any sexual chemistry, well, I am not wondering anymore. I think we are both really committed to trying a new way of being intimate which involves mindfulness and although I knew intellectually that could take time, I had no idea what it would begin to look and feel like.
It is mindblowing. I seriously suggest this strategy for everyone on the planet.
Sex with Sean felt deeply different last night. We were so fucking connected. Breathing the same. And both felt so radically present with each other with no set goal of achieving orgasm but just being in every single moment and seeing what that did. And it did AMAZING things! I felt waves of pleasure undulating through my body in ways I never could have imagined before. I don’t know if I had an orgasm- at least not in the traditional sense of the word- but I had many somethings that rocked my body, heart, and mind. And him too. We were like one person. I know how corny that sounds. But at one point, my head was pressing against his head, and while my body felt this relaxed pounding pleasure I closed my eyes and I felt like I went into the universe with him. I don’t know how else to explain it but I was out floating among the stars and I knew without a doubt that he was there with me. I was not alone.
It feels like he suddenly knows my body in the most intimate way.
We both said I Love You for the first time.
Afterward, we made dinner and snuggled on the couch watching a documentary.
Then we made love again.
Another incredible journey into a sensual world full of physical, mental, and emotional pleasure. I still don’t think he has had a traditional orgasm. But then again, neither have I. I just feel so fucking good with him, on so many levels.
It’s the kind of good that doesn’t come around very often. If ever.
In the morning we made love, twice.
To say that I am satiated, would be an understatement. I feel fully seen, felt, and adored. In every way.
Then I took my five-year-old daughter on the Woman’s March in Los Angeles. It was quite the adventure. We tried to take the trains but they were too full. So we took the bus, but by the time we got down there we had missed the march but made it to City Hall where all the marchers arrived about an hour later. I have never seen so many people in one spot in my life. We stayed on the periphery. Once we tried to enter into the eye of the storm and it proved too much for little P and I. I started crying when we left and as we were walking over a freeway pass all these cars were honking at us for marching and the amount of support, solidarity, and love was overwhelming. I felt a part of something so much bigger than I.
After we took the bus back my daughter had a playdate with her buddy and I went home to rest then run. Her playdate turned into a sleepover and I knew there was no chance I could see Sean as he had his son, but I let him know anyway. Torturous.
But he did invite me to attend the AA meeting with him tomorrow morning. And interestingly enough, I was just thinking how much I would love to have a beer tonight. But when I found out I could join him tomorrow, I decided not to.
I have been praying for God to show me the way.
This feels like some pretty clear path markers to me.
I still don’t know if I am committed to AA or not. But I am committed to Sean and going to the meeting with him tomorrow. That much I know. And because if that, I chose not to drink.
There is something there. Something powerful. Moving me in ways I do not expect.