SOBRIETY SPIRAL

My old one was November 23rd, 2004. I was sober for 10 years. I drank and used again for 18 months. My new sobriety date is January 28th, 2017.

How about them apples?

Me and AA. Reunited and it feels so good!

How did this happen? In my relapse, I was ADAMENT t that I would NEVER step foot in Alcoholics Anonymous again. Not with all their dogmatic Judeo-Christian white privileged patriarchal bullshit.

But I was wrong.

And I think Sean and his community of fellows had something to do with it. They wear their sobriety like I used to, when newly sober many years ago, with an ease and inclusivity I lost becoming rigid and fundamentalist. There is no “one way” there is only truth, and I see it in many ways. I remember going to the exact same meeting I am going to now, many moons ago, and the speaker said that there were as many ways to work that program as there were people in AA, and I almost threw my coffee at him and stormed off. WTF?? THERE WAS ONLY ONE WAY AND IT WAS IN THE FIRST 164 PAGES OF THE BOOK, DUMBASS. YOU are the reason AA is failing, you and your watered-down-middle-of-the-road-solutions. WAKE UP! It is a textbook, meant to be followed PRECISELY. Not left up to your interpretations and creative solutions. #BigBookAwakenings.

THAT is the exact kind of thinking that leads to a relapse.

Yesterday, I attended a shamanic journeying workshop. No ayahuasca involved. Just a group of creative interesting individuals being led by a drum into their subconscious. I had a profound vision of myself laying in the center of a grove of Sequoyah trees when their roots came out of the ground and swallowed me whole, dragging me deep into the earth. There, I heard, loud and clear, that I could not, would not, be able to do the work I needed to do in this lifetime if I continued to put substances in my body. I need to be AWAKE and PRESENT for all of it.

And that was it. No bartering, negotiating, wondering. I came back from the vision and have not had a craving nor mental obsession since.

Which feels super strange because I could not stop the mental obsession for the past 18 months, on my own. I wanted to. But I was powerless. The phenomenon of craving didn’t always develop when I put alcohol in my system, so that was confusing. I had no bottom like I did in 2004, where alcohol brought me to my knees physically, mentally, and spiritually. This was a slow burn and never reached those excruciating depths. But the mental obsession was in its own way, a prison I desperately wanted out of.

 

I am open-minded and curious about how this sobriety will develop.

It doesn’t feel like I am going backwards, like I have lost those 10 years of sobriety. It feels more like a spiral. That I am constantly moving onwards and upwards even if it doesn’t look or feel like it.

 

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