I Love you, too much.

I woke up wondering if I say “I love you” too much. Or if he finds that me licking the almond butter off of the knife before dipping it into the honey jar is repulsive. Or if there are any other myriad ways that I could be repelling Sean. Because honestly, there must be. Because I am repugnant and unlovable. Right? No. Not true. Says my lofty brain, but my paranoia, my fear, coming from the amygdala feels quite differently. Be on the lookout! Watch out! Danger ahead! Big feelings- not safe- warning sounds-alarms!

I had the most intense dream the other night that I was working on the set of this movie as a grip or wardrobe or something and suddenly the entire crew turned against me. They picked on me and lied about things I had never done. They wanted me fired. At one point, facing them all I broke down and started sobbing. I woke up sobbing in the middle of the night. I looked over at my darling little sweet angel daughter and thought about going into the living room to really let it out, but I didn’t. I lay there next to her, wishing I could crawl into the crook of Sean’s arm and be with her at the same time.

I use AND and JUST and THAT too much in my writing.

At least I recognize it.

My older brother is in rehab, again.

He is 47 years old and has been on the merry-go-round since he was 15.

It’s exhausting for me. I can only imagine how it must be for him.

He has not seemed SOBER to me for quite some time. Always shaky and spontaneously sweating. I stopped having him babysit Pony for that reason.

Then I found out he has not only been abusing his prescribed medication but has been buying and creating his own pharmaceutical cocktails including Adderall which is just another form of speed.

But who am I to judge?

Can’t throw stones when you live in a glass house.

I think I was killed by a mob in a past life. It explains my fear of groups. Especially large ones gathered in public spaces.

I am determined to not seek any information from any psychic sources outside of myself. I truly want to trust my heart, my mind, my intuition, my inner knowing, the senses of my body and the blessings of MY spirit.

 

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