I am so tired of my brain. In overdrive. It never stops. Especially around this new relationship. The most fertile ground for obsessive thinking. I analyze over and over again every nuance of every text. The fact that he said “Love you” instead of “I love you” – what does that mean? Without the “I” it is way more casual sounding, therefore, I assume, I am saying it too much and this is his way of telling me. I catastrophize as well. So after analyzing every single fucking interaction looking for hints of descention I automatically assume the worst and think it’s over, he doesn’t love me anymore. I especially struggle when he is with his son. Because he goes into the son vortex and I suffer, terribly. The texts are few and far between. It feels different. I panic. Especially around my period. It takes everything I have to sit in those feelings and be okay being not okay. Then, he’ll finally reach out, and everything seems okay for a bit. Before it’s not again. And I am on this rollercoaster completely independent of him. And he’s given me absolutely no indication that his feelings have radically altered in any way. This is a self perpetuating machine that locks in and does not let up until I see him in person, and then, and only then, do I seem to feel satisfied. I can not go on like this, and I fear there is not much I can do about it. I reached out to my meditation teacher to ask for some tools. I am curious what she’ll suggest. The hard part about it is that when I go through this cycle, the pain is so great that I want to run the other way and hide. I want to give up and run the other way. Be alone. So much easier. Simpler. More peaceful for me. But I am hardwired for this shit. I live for this! I want to dive in and figure it all out. I want to explore so much intimacy with him that we drown in it.
He has been telling me he loves me now, twice tonight.
What is wrong with me? How do I NOT revert back to childhood trauma every time this happens to me? HOW???
Help someone else
Be of service
Three words- I love you.
Can do so much.