Dear Lord. Seriously. GOD HELP ME. I had a long day driving up to Santa Clarita to a Girl’s Probation Camp then to Culver City to run a workshop with kids from the projects (who knew there were projects in Culver City?) and then finally to Downy to get fingerprinted for probation. In between all of this, I was in a complete fight, flight, or freeze mode concerning Sean and my perceived lack of his attention towards me. I had waves of childhood trauma surface repeatedly. Insistently. Relentlessly. It was exhausting. I tried talking to my little girl, assuring her everything was alright. I would find respite. Brief. Then another wave. Deconstructed the feelings. Nausea. Sweaty but cold. Shaking. Respite. Brief. Another wave. Then I kept asking myself, “What is this REALLY about?” And I finally, outside of probation, got very clearly that this feeling of “fear of abandonment” of “not being important” enough, was exactly what I have been running from my whole life and there was no way out of it but through it. So I sat in it, in my car, with tears running down my face, mascara smeared, and said, “Yup, this is it. This is the machine of all my pain. This loneliness. Isolation. This has steered me into more bad decisions than I can count. More men and drugs than I want to admit. More pain and sorrow and suffering than I would wish on my worst enemy” And this time, instead of shop, or fuck, or flock my way out of it- I sat in it and did not hide. And it shifted. Surprisingly. On its own accord, the beast let up and let loose.
On the way home I was back to sanity and described to Sean everything I was processing. I let him in on the whole embarrassing crazy-making thing. And he took it, man, he listened and he heard me and he gave a shit. And he did not run for the hills. I cried again for a bit on my bed before picking myself up and going to yoga. I talked about it in Meditation class and the teacher reminded me to resource as well- which of course, I had completely forgotten.
Then this morning I flew off the handle at my ex for having his UN-girlfriend and her kid sleepover when they are not officially a “couple.” I had to look at that and make amends. Fuck. That sucked. I did not explain to him why I just apologized and moved on. It was more about me than about our daughter anyway. More about my indignation that he was doing to his girlfriend what he had done to me. Playing her along. Being abusive. Withholding. His way or the highway.
And I thought I didn’t need to do inventory on him.
Like I could skate away from a split like that one, resentment-free.
Sean came over tonight after his meeting. I lit candles and everything.
It was incredibly powerful and passionate. I felt so deeply connected to him the entire time and afterward wanted to weep with gratitude for this man in my life.
I spent a minute resourcing the feeling. Him also telling me he loved me and that he was feeling the same things too.
His stepfather accused him today of causing his mother’s suffering before she died.
I am meeting Sean at his friend’s memorial tomorrow.
I am grateful I can be there for him in that way.
I am so in love with him.
Jolie also said, and I laughed, that if they aren’t acting “obsessed” with me, I don’t think they like me and I feel abandoned. And then I start tearing them apart and finding reasons to leave. Wow.
I am so happy I did not do that.
Sean and I – the longer I hang in there- the better this thing gets.