Oh, Joy



Ran four councils today. In a row. My final one was the Community Council I hold monthly. Sean came. I love so much, that he comes to these. I have never been able to share this part of my life with anyone before and it feels fucking awesome. The work I do, or this practice I bring to people, is the only time I feel like I truly know what the fuck I am doing. I don’t second-guess myself or falter. I feel confident and comfortable knowing that all will be well if I simply follow the circle’s lead and do what is next.

My prompt for tonight was, “Tell a story of a time when you felt real joy.”

A few people spoke and shared from their hearts. It always amazes me how joy can bring up so much vulnerability, that we often confuse vulnerability with pain, but it can include tremendous joy as well.

Sean spoke before me. He talked about the first time we all drove in a car home together, his son, my daughter, and me. Home from the brunch last weekend, where I met his son for the first time. How in the car, driving along a road he has driven so many times in his life, he felt for the first time in a very long time, this overwhelming joy from us all being together and how sweet it felt.

I smiled.

I was about to tell the same story. In my version, I am sitting in the back, next to my daughter. Sean is making her laugh by yelling, “unicorns” and “kittens” while I am having a conversation with his son who is sitting in the front seat. I make eye-contact with Sean in the rearview mirror and that is when I feel it, this strange warmth starts in my chest and spreads throughout my body. I do not know what this feeling is and wonder long after they drop my daughter and me off at home. Until now, until this moment, do I realize, holy shit, THAT was joy.

Days after it has been hard to connect- physically- we have had our kids and it’s been almost impossible. But we are finding an hour here and there to be together, the four of us, or dropping by, even for a quick hug and kiss and that feels sustainable to me. I need physical closeness to feel connected. I need and crave intimacy with my partner. He said he knows that one day we will all live together in a house big enough for all of us. That made my heart sing. When he speaks of the future – like wondering out loud what it will be like when we are old together- it is the best aphrodisiac on the planet. And I told him so.

Had a very special adventure day hiking through Elyria Canyon yesterday with Pony.

I am in paralyzing financial fear about spousal support running out in six months.

I am praying to stay present and co-create a future that is financially, emotionally, and spiritually sustainable. Being sober again certainly helps all of that.

I want to create a sober woman’s retreat at La Casa de Maria! Weaving yoga, council, meditation, and writing. Hmmm…….super nurturing and womby.

Let’s do this!!

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