Just sit with this. Sit in this. Don’t react and don’t rationalize it away. This hurts. My stomach feels nauseous. My heart feels constricted and tight. I want to cry but I can’t. Not yet. I got out of the bath finding a text from Sean telling me his son wants to stay with him tomorrow night instead of us having our night alone together. I felt punched in the stomach; betrayed and embarrassed. I think mostly because I got really excited about this weekend. I made all these plans for us tomorrow. And they have slowly been chipped away. At first, I thought we had all day Saturday so I had us running in the mountains, him studying while I worked next to him, making love, then making dinner, watching a movie. I crave daytime with him. I feel like I only see him at night- for a few hours before bed. And he was gone last weekend and the weekend before, basically. He will have his son all next week and weekend. And I missed yoga this Monday to be with him and I missed the AA meeting to go see him. And last weekend he didn’t even miss his AA meeting to come to me. I guess the thoughts that are coming up are that I am way more into this than he is. That is my first thought and I feel shame. Hot burning searing shame. This feeling is so familiar to me; the yearning, aching, and longing. And then disappointment. Feeling let down. My bubble burst. The air gone out. Deflated. My first thought is I won’t go with him to the AA meeting Sunday anymore. I’ll go into the mountains by myself. That I want him to feel as bad as I do. That is my first instinct. To go and hide and be alone. To isolate. It is going to be hard to break that feeling. Then I think about having dinner with Frankie from New York. Who I don’t really want to have dinner with- but since Sean isn’t that interested in spending time with me, maybe I will hang out with someone who is. Not in a sexual way. Ugh. Both of those options feel like I am being vindictive. And maybe I am. Or am I taking care of myself? Is that a fine line? Sunday is all about his closest friend Kara taking a cake and then having fellowship after. And right now- I really don’t feel like spending my precious time doing that. I would also almost rather get Pony earlier in the day and have a longer Sunday with her.
All I could reply was “Ouch. Ok. Got it.”
I think I should pause before saying anything else. Hopefully I will get some sleep.
On another more sober note; I Saw Teresa, my sponsor, last night. For the first time. Powerful first step experience. Then came home and wept in the bath reading “We Agnostics “because there are so many promises in there that I want. Had an insight into the abortion- that I forsake God after that because I didn’t like the direction I was given. I assumed God’s will would mean I felt good about everything. But that is certainly not the case. I was in pain, but I didn’t have to suffer the way I did.
I am also in a lot of pain around wanting more sex than my partner. I feel that old gnawing aching yearning rearing its ugly head. The shame of wanting it “too much.” Of feeling like the aggressor, taking on the traditionally male role, and then hyper-analyzing his response and tallying up how many times I have reached out to flirt and how many times he has not instigated such communication. How I am the only one voicing my frustrations at not having any adult time with him on over a week and how he does not seem to be as concerned about it. How he does not sext. I know this feeling. I know this. I am very familiar with the yearning. The fear. The fear of lack.
I think I am ready to break this down. To get real about what I want, how much, and why. What do appropriate healthy needs in a relationship look like FOR ME? Because the kind of intense “I MUST HAVE YOU” does not sustain a relationship- this I know. For a fact. It is also not a healthy basis. And I know, in my heart, that Sean offers a much more stable consistent secure experience, that he is supremely earthy- needs A LOT of alone time before he can come and be with me.
“Morning reflection – I am not your higher power, but I do love you unconditionally.”- from Sean this morning.
And I worry he doesn’t love me.
“I should be thanking you…and I am, thank you, special lady.”
Lots of crying this morning. Looking at what could be termed “sex addiction”
Also making men my higher power- sex my higher power. An interesting thing to be curious about.
Maybe I should go back to SLAA.