I went to a Sweat Lodge in Altadena Saturday night and then slept at Sean’s for the first time with his son there.  They were playing Monopoly and speaking in Russian accents when I arrived. I knew the second I sat down that this was a mistake. I was raw and sweaty from the Lodge and honestly, had no business being around people, much less,  people that were in the raucous rowdy state they were in. I wanted to run. To go home and hide and integrate but instead, I grinned and bore it. His son decided not to be on his medication that night. To make matters even more complicated. In the morning we made it to the AA meeting and afterward had a very stressful time finding a place to have breakfast with the teenagers at. Everything was too crowded by the time we got there. It had taken a bit for us to get them dressed and out the door after the meeting. So we bought food at the grocery store and while we were cooking in the kitchen, the dogs were barking outside, the kids were playing violent video games, and the sounds were overwhelming. I felt it. His stress. He was stressed. It was the first time I have seen him stressed out like this. It was not a pleasant experience.

He wanted all the noise to stop. I told him, “This is what family sounds like. I think. We should probably be careful what we wish for.”

As I compulsively did the dishes to soothe my nerves he came up behind me, wrapped his arms around me, and told me I did not need to prove my worth.

And later, even though none of us wanted to go, in the rain, to Pasadena for a Tea Party with Pony, we all went. And it was good.

Love him. Love this. Life.




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