POPPIES

It’s been a rough day.

IRS. 4000 owed. Ouch.

Talk with co-facilitator about give and take turned into her telling me I was threatened by her. She is a woman of color. I am not.

I spoke to her again. Said that hurt me. She said it hurt her that I didn’t know the difference between Angela Davis and a woman whose name I can not pronounce.

I thought the workshop with the kids at the probation camp went great.
Afterward, she told me I was inappropriate with the boys.

I rescheduled with my brother because he wanted his “girlfriend” to come to dinner too. He has been in rehab for three months. I have not seen him. I wanted to not meet his girlfriend on the same day.

I had dinner at Sean’s.

His son, E,  was showing me their History chest in the living room and there was a note from “Rebecca” with lipstick kiss saying that Sean was one “sexy devil” or something like that.
I am spinning out in PTSD from my Ex and all his Exes.

I feel like I am going to throw up.

I CAN NOT go through that again.

I can not.

I will not.

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LOVE

Poppies

LOVE

ANXIETY

FEAR

Can’t sleep

FEAR

ANXIETY

MEETING

TALKING

KISSING

MISSING

We drove two hours to see the wild poppies blooming in California after the heavy rain. It was E, P, Sean, and Me. Our first outing as a “family.” Besides Santa Barbara. The drive out was unremarkable. The Poppies were stunning. We stayed for 20 minutes and then I was done. P had allergies. I had anxiety. We could not find the place I wanted us to go to so we ended up simply pulling over to the side of the road and running amock there. Then others joined us. Then I got weird.

I felt weird.

We drove home. Sean was annoyed. I felt bad.

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